What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling to Conceive
After enduring her third miscarriage, Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, returned to work. Two managers, who were aware of her losses, delivered remarks she found deeply painful. A female supervisor remarked, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male colleague criticized her appearance, stating she wasn’t “presentable enough” for the reception desk. “I was in shock,” Vicky recalls. The comments prompted her to resign on the next day.
Well-Meaning but Hurtful Comments
Friends and family often intend to offer comfort during fertility struggles, but their words can unintentionally sting. Vicky, who began trying for a baby in 2020, says phrases like “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope” feel dismissive when she’s already grappling with loss. “They mean well, but in the moment, I wish they’d stop,” she adds, emphasizing how these statements can diminish her emotional experience.
Cultural and Social Pressures
Kay, a 33-year-old from Manchester, echoes this sentiment in an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life. “You’re met with really poor words from people,” she says. A close friend’s comment before her IVF treatment—”a lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it”—highlighted the lack of empathy. Meanwhile, Asiya Dawood, a 42-year-old British-Pakistani woman in West London, notes that in some South Asian communities, the pressure to conceive quickly after marriage is intense. Relatives often question a woman’s “womanliness” if she delays pregnancy, blaming her for career focus or marrying late.
Expert Perspectives on Fertility Conversations
According to Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), infertility and its treatments can heavily impact emotions. “The process itself is a roller coaster, and there are moments when it becomes really difficult,” she explains. Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that support doesn’t always come from expected sources. “Your IVF team may differ from the people who normally support you,” she says, encouraging individuals to seek professional guidance.
Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, highlights the embarrassment many feel when discussing infertility. “There’s a sense of embarrassment because that’s what your body’s meant to do,” she says. “You feel like you’re failing yourself.” This sentiment is shared by others who face judgment, making it crucial to ask for what they need rather than assume.
Acts of Support That Matter
While some experiences are painful, others highlight the importance of thoughtful gestures. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, credits her friends and family for “incredible” support. After her miscarriages, people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted vouchers for restaurants “to just have a break.” Her parents and husband even presented her with flowers for Mother’s Day. Small acts, like texts reminding her of appointments or showing interest in her treatment, also carry significant weight.
Infertility, though a common challenge—around one in seven couples struggle to conceive, and over 50,000 IVF cycles were performed in the UK in 2023—often feels deeply personal. Whether through intentional words or unintentional judgments, the way people engage with this journey can shape the emotional landscape for those affected.
